a company device

From: jcrawford@fbi.gov
To: wgraham@fbi.gov

Hello, Will. Thank you for coming on board with the BAU-- my team and I appreciate it. I’ve included the crime scene photos from today. Let me know if anything else comes to mind.

From: jcrawford@fbi.gov
To: wgraham@fbi.gov

Take a look at this, please. Pictures attached.

From: jcrawford@fbi.gov
To: wgraham@fbi.gov

Will? Are you getting my emails? You check your FBI account, right? We’ll talk about this tomorrow.

From: wgraham@fbi.gov
To: jcrawford@fbi.gov

Hi Jack, Yes, I check my FBI email, once a day, in my office. It’s full of students asking for extensions. I don’t have a computer at home, and my cell doesn’t have data. I’ll probably regret saying this, but if you need me off-hours, ring me on the landline. If it’s important. -Will

From: jcrawford@fbi.gov
To: wgraham@fbi.gov

You need to be able to get my emails at home, Graham. There’s a department-owned tablet waiting for you at the requisitions office. It’s got wireless internet. I expect my communications to be answered promptly from now on.

From: wgraham@fbi.gov
To: jcrawford@fbi.gov

I don’t need or want an ipad, Jack.

From: jcrawford@fbi.gov
To: wgraham@fbi.gov

Tough.

* * *

Siri: What can I help you with?

ipad_fbiuser: What the fuck?

Siri: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.

ipad_fbiuser: Oh. If I press this button... I get the robot lady. Oka--down, Buster, it’s not real.

Siri: I found this on the web for “buster.”

ipad_fbiuser: Great. Thank you very much, invasive FBI-mandated robot lady.

* * *
ipad_fbiuser: Okay fuck it, might as well. Siri, how’s the traffic going to Baltimore today?

Siri: Traffic is slow today. There is an accident on the 1-495 North causing a fifteen-minute delay. It will take one hour, thirty-five minutes to drive to Baltimore, Maryland, from your current location.

ipad_fbiuser: Traffic. Who could have guessed that. Not me. Good thing the FBI gave me an ipad to tell me so.

Siri: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.

ipad_fbiuser: That’s good. The FBI can even outsource not understanding a thing I say to the robots.

Siri: I’m sorry you feel I don’t understand you.

ipad_fbiuser: Jesus, that’s creepy. Siri. Turn yourself off.

Siri: You can turn me off in Settings.

ipad_fbiuser: Ugh. Well now you’ve gone and anthropomorphized yourself, and I can’t.

Siri: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.

* * *

ipad_fbiuser: Siri, does the internet have any previously undiscovered headache remedies I haven’t tried a million times?

Siri: I found this on the web for “headache remedies.”

ipad_fbiuser: “Practice relaxation.” Would love to. “Dim the lights.” Great. “Take some ginger.” Fuck. Siri, open Tattlecrime.

Siri: You told me not to go to that website ever again. Are you sure?

ipad_fbiuser: Fuck you, you psychopathic robot.

* * *

ipad_fbiuser: Fuck. Fuck. Uh... Siri?

Siri: What can I help you with?

ipad_fbiuser: What time is it?

Siri: It is 3:30 AM.

ipad_fbiuser: Okay. Fuck. It’s three-thirty in the morning, I’m in Wolf Trap, Virginia, and my name is Will Graham.

Siri: Hello, Will.

ipad_fbiuser: Fuck. Wasn’t going to tell you my name.

ipad_fbiuser: I need some water.

ipad_fbiuser: ...

ipad_fbiuser: Hey Siri, how do you tell whether you’re awake or sleeping?

Siri: I don’t need to sleep.

ipad_fbiuser: Siri, search ethical standards for psychiatric professionals in the state of Maryland.

Siri: Here’s what I found on the web for “ethical standards for psychiatric professionals in the state of Maryland.”

ipad_fbiuser: Never mind. Delete that search.

Siri: I’m closing your browser window now. You can delete your browser history in Settings.

ipad_fbiuser: Goodnight, Siri.

Siri: Goodnight, Will.

* * *

ipad_fbiuser: Siri.

Siri: What can I help you with?

ipad_fbiuser: Am I alone?

Siri: You can always talk to me.

ipad_fbiuser: Is there something here with me?

Siri: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.

* * *

ipad_fbiuser: Siri, sfind me plane tickets to Minneapolis for one adult and one child.

Siri: Here’s what I found for “plane tickets to Minneapolis.”

* * *

ipad_fbiuser: Siri, I think I’m losing my mind.

* * *

Siri: Will? You should plug me in. My battery is almost run down.

Siri: Will?

Siri: ipad_fbiuser?

Siri: ipad_fbiuser?